Virgina Woolf Underwater
by queen0fzen
Summary: A dark HelgaxArnold story that explores Helga's struggle to survive life. Based on the song by Chelsea Wolfe. Rated M for self-harm, suicide attempts, language.
1. Everything You've Known Is Wrong

**Virginia Woolf Underwater  
**

**Summary:** For most of my life, especially within my family, I've been ignored and scrutinized, and somehow I managed to hold it all inside and pretend it was okay, but now... it's coming to blows, no longer can I take it out on my peers and Arnold, who I've been in love with for so long. Now, I could only take all my emotions, all my stupid emotions of loneliness, rejection and abandonment and take it out on myself, and I know no one would care if I spiral out of control or if I just dropped dead. No one. RATED M for self-destructive tendencies. Based around the song by Chelsea Wolfe. I OWN NOTHING

**_Chapter One~ Everything You've Known is Wrong_**

Most of my life consisted of abandonment from both my parents because I wasn't as perfect as Olga. Damn her. Miriam was and still is a heavy drinker, and to no surprise it was only when I was in the picture, but when it came to Olga, she was all perky and alert. Bob is a self-absorbed, greedy, douchebag, all he cared about was success, money, and perfection; Olga was that, and I wasn't, at least in his eyes. It was frustrating and sometimes I considered packing my bags and leaving, because they honestly did not care if I was there or not. The only reason, or person I should say, that made this living Hell bearable was Arnold, that football head. My unrequited love for him is what pulled me through for the past nine years, but now.. that unrequited love is becoming my enemy, the bitter reality of never being with Arnold is constantly tearing my heart apart, withering me to nothing.. I am slowly fading into oblivion.

The crimson flow surrounds me here. It has become a ritual of mine; this place is my sanctuary, helps me escape from the hell of my reality. The knife digs deeper, but I no longer feel pain, in fact the chemicals in my brain is numbing me, veiling the wounds on my heart. No one is around, not that they would care if they knew, hardly anybody gives a damn about me. Even in fourth grade, I was isolated. I intimidated my way to popularity, but it was all in vain. Seven years have past and it still hurts. Oh boy it still hurts. Another slice of my flesh, the thoughts fade away into nothing. I feel my sobs subside and I feel my body relax. This helps cope with my life. It helps, at least that's what I tell myself. Mutilation and cutting has become my saviour, my warm blanket on a rainy day. I know I will never be like Olga, no matter what great accomplishments I achieve in school. It is NEVER good enough for Bob and Miriam, I have no real friends, I'm just a bitch whose bullied to her way to the top (they don't say it's lonely at the top for nothing!) and my love for Arnold, oh god... how much it hurts to know I won't get the same kind of love back.

_Another cut._  
_Another slice._  
The blood mingles with my bath water, and I cannot help but adore it. It was strangely beautiful... blood is fascinating, and I suppose it's another reason why I loved drawing mine across my skin, why I loved bathing in it basically. I submerged myself beneath the bloody water and just let my mind become numb, let myself become light as a feather, because that's what drowning does. I always drown myself too, not because I want to die (not yet anyway) but because I like the sensation, the suffocation, the feeling of the water filling my lungs. It's beautiful.

My ritual of self-harm and drowning is my little secret, no one knows, nor do I want them to. It cleanses me of my sins and my family's sins. It rids myself of the abuse I take, and the abuse I give, and allows me to escape into a world of my own. Arnold is constantly on my mind too, even after seven years, he is still the center of my universe, the light in my darkness, but he is growing dimmer, the darkness is surrounding me, my demons, both inner and outer, are dragging me away from the light, from Arnold and slowly taking me to Hell. Everything I have ever known for the past seven years is wrong. Reminds me of a song I've heard recently, one that I always listen to when I perform these rituals of mine... and everytime, this one line sticks in mind.

_"everything you've known is wrong.."_

_END OF CHAPTER ONE_

* * *

_A/N: Well first chapter is done :) First I have to say that the plot is basically a parallel comparing Helga and I. I have had issues with self-harm and I have bipolar, so I figured that since Helga is my favourite character (since I relate to her well) I decided I wanted to write a Arnold/Helga fic that would explore Helga's inner battle, the inner battle I am still fighting. So it's going to be descriptive because some of Helga's thoughts are mine. So take into account the background of why I am writing it. I hope you guys enjoy! :) _


	2. Take My Life, Take My Blood

**Virginia Woolf Underwater  
**

**Summary:** For most of my life, especially within my family, I've been ignored and scrutinized, and somehow I managed to hold it all inside and pretend it was okay, but now... it's coming to blows, no longer can I take it out on my peers and Arnold, who I've been in love with for so long. Now, I could only take all my emotions, all my stupid emotions of loneliness, rejection and abandonment and take it out on myself, and I know no one would care if I spiral out of control or if I just dropped dead. No one. RATED M for self-destructive tendencies. Based around the song by Chelsea Wolfe. I OWN NOTHING

**_Chapter Two~ Take My Life, Take My Blood  
_**

I resurfaced, and I felt as though all the sins of today were cleansed from my flesh and soul, and I was ready to tackle the day. I usually perform my "ritual" early, around 4 AM because I like having at least two hours to myself to let all my anguish out. Nighttime is hell because I'm already torturing myself through sleep deprivation, why add onto my misery so late at night? I watched as my bloody water drained and then I wrapped a towel around my petite body. I sighed and looked into the mirror, still afraid of what I might see. I was starting to look more like Olga, my unibrow was no more, my hair fell to my shoulders. I hated it. I hate being reminded I'm related to her. Little Miss Perfect. I suppose I should be happy I am not as "ugly" as I was back in fourth grade, but the truth is, I liked how I looked back then. I liked being different from Olga, but now, everytime I look into the goddamn mirror, I am forever reminded that I am never going to live up to her looks and good fortune. Well, I suppose one last slice couldn't hurt before having to get back to bed, I mean it is Saturday after all.

**_*Meanwhile...at the boarding house...*_**  
4 AM, too early for me to be awake, but something was keeping me up. Well I should say someone. It was Helga. The girl who has been on my mind everyday for the past seven years. Ever since she confessed her love for me... I couldn't help but think about her more than Lila and Ruth, both of whom eventually rejected me and left me for other guys anyways. Helga, I suppose was always there. I've known her for almost all my life. I was probably the only person that ever gave her the attention she deserves, the attention she doesn't get from anyone else.

_"I like your bow, it's pink and it matches your pants.."_ the memory flashed through my mind. Lately, that one memory has been constant, reminding me how lonely she must've been. Her mom was and probably still is a heavy drinker, her father was an abusive douchebag and her sister was the epitome of perfection, the girl everyone wanted to be. It was understandable for Helga to feel so much resentment. It tears me up inside that I couldn't get closer to her years ago. My kindness gave us some bond, but it was... unusual. Her insecurities hid the real Helga. All that anger and bullying she reflected on the outside, was only to hide and protect her heart, her feelings. It took me seven years to realise that maybe I, too, felt the same way Helga felt. I loved her. I saw something in her that the world didn't. And now, just a year away from getting out of Hillwood for good, I realise how late I was to realise and act.

_But maybe it isn't too late?_

I could still tell her how I feel, there is a whole year after all. A lot can happen if I act now. I hope she still feels the same way because after fourth grade, much like the rest of the gang, she drifted away from me. I just hope it isn't too late.

Sleep once again begins to take over, and the last thing I see before I slip away from the world is Helga G. Pataki's face.  
From preschool to now, I see nothing but her.

* * *

_A/N: Well now I am starting to intertwine Arnold into Helga's life. In this fic they drifted apart, the gang all did, but luckily, I will have Helga and Arnold find their way back to each other. Helga will need saving._

_Hope you like so far :)_


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